The Art of Losing Everything

by cuddledrug

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1.
2.
3.
05:10
4.
02:44
5.
02:37
6.
03:59
7.
8.
9.
04:15
10.
11.
12.
04:49
13.
05:03
14.
04:05
15.
04:15
16.
02:04
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.

credits

released December 27, 2016

All songs written and all instruments performed, recorded, mixed, and mastered by Derek Jolley in the Tank Trap.
Studio Assistants: Danny Washington, Uriah Thomas, Sara D’Andrea, Dylan Jolley, Michelle Dantona, and Katie Sherman.

All songs tracked on Garageband 10.6.8 via a Tascam US-16x8.

Additional musicians:
D. Heinz: guitar (track 6).
D. Washington: drums (tracks 8, 9, 10, 13), hand-claps (track 2).
D. Y. Jolley: bass (tracks 8, 9, 10, 13).
K. Adams: guitar (tracks 8, 9, 10)
K. Sherman: bass (track 21).
N. Harbaugh: synth, creative influence (track 19).
JAZZ SAMPLE (track 4): A. Rinehouse, A. R. Phillips, D. Y. Jolley, E. Tuttle.

Thank you…. Danny Washington, Dylan Jolley, Katie Sherman, Brian Keith Bidding (BKB), Chilly Dave, Uncle Billy, Nate Harbaugh, Michelle Dantona, Kevin Adams (BDK), Sir Liam, Donnie Kirchner, Uriah Thomas, Dave Jolley, and Sara D'Andrea.

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cuddledrug Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania

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Track Name: Chemical head
I'm dreaming up a dream
You once respected thief
You hate the god damned world
You wish they call could see
That I know you live through lying
The rest you just pretend
I heard you curse out god
And blame it on your friends
Your life could not extend
So maybe it should end?

I can't live in a world
Over enthralled
with the pain that I've caused
Oh
I can't live in a world
Where they despise the fool
That's me
In debt
To my chemical head.
Track Name: I grew up in the sun
Silently force-feeding with no appetite
Your car has gas but you can’t take it for a ride
You tried so hard to call the doctor’s bluff
I tried to help you
I could never do enough

Rollercoaster riding scenes from far away
Now all your time’s spent hiding
Dreaming back to better days
You took your life in stride and lived it nonetheless
Aside from Donna dying, baseball, golf, and ALS

Let me tell you something
Your memory keeps me up at night
I saw the life drain from your sad and sorry sunken eyes
There’s no remorse and there is nothing left to sacrifice
We’re not gonna be alright
Don’t be afraid to die
I’m not afraid to die
Track Name: Eeyore
I said it last time
I think I love you fraulein
I always find a way
I know your secrets
I can eat your heart out
I can leave you feeling fake

Beneath is oak tree
We can have our long sleep
We can write our names in stone
I guess it’s too late
I better get in line, Kate
I guess I’m doing this alone
You know I’ll find a way this time.

Maybe I’m not tired, I’m just wasting all my time
But then I’d be a liar when I lay my head at night
I always think that I hate myself
My thoughts become your frown
Maybe I’m not seriously breaking you apart
But I bog you down

I guess I’m outraged
I served as your bird cage
I cared way too much it seems
I’d find it soothing
If you did the cool thing
And came running back to me
But I know you won’t and I guess I’m doing this alone.
Nardozzo's. Powder hole.

Maybe you’re not sleeping, you’re just wasting all my time
But then you’d be a liar when you lay your head at night
You said that I make you hate yourself
My fears become my luck
Maybe you’re not seriously breaking me apart
But you fuck me up

Maybe we’re not sleeping we’re just wasting all our time
But then I’d be a liar when I lay your head at night
You know we don’t have to hate ourselves
Our fears begin to drown
Maybe I’m not seriously breaking you apart
But I bog you down.
Track Name: Dirt
Beneath this toxic wasteland
Another eye won’t see
Another mind wide open
Another addict seeks
But that’s over because the summer said goodbye
And I’ll never have another summer spent inside

My fingernails grew back
I started watching what I eat
I quit smoking cigarettes
I learned to stand on my own two feet
Because the summer said goodbye
And I’ll never have another summer spent inside

I wish I cared that I’m constantly making mistakes
I guess this is just how the heart breaks
I’ll keep putting my life on the line
I think about here all the time
I won’t swallow my pride and forgive
No the words will not fall from my lips
I will swallow them back to my spine
I’m not escaping from the trap this time
Track Name: Salty
You did whatever just feel alright
there's a hole in your heart and it's filling up with ice
your lips are lying like it's going out of style
please leave this bed don't stay for awhile.
I'm salty like saline and you're sad eyes have turned mean
I forgot how to stop the bleeding and you can't seem to face me.

You looked at me like I was two feet tall
don't play at all please wash your hands
but now you're eyes are crying tears of white
big stain on the map of nowhere land.
And your salty
and your left for dead
and your mad eyes have turned red
I forgot how to stop your dying and you can't seem to stop lying.
Track Name: Somnus
I fell asleep again
But iI couldn't hold on to the end
And I'm watching, waiting, anticipating
Nothing
I can't move fast enough this time
I can't move slow enough this time
I can't fall asleep this time
Not this time
And it's haunting me again

I fell asleep last year
And I woke with a heart full of fear
And I wish I was anticipating
Something
I can't move fast enough this time
I can't move slow enough this time
I can't feel my hands this time
Not this time
And it's haunting me again
Track Name: Ode to the Black Sheep
Bah bah, black sheep have you any wool?
No, because the IRS took all my gold and now I can't afford the taxes to manufacture coats.
You think you understand my struggle but you'll never really know how this farm won't pay enough for me to feed my family.
Tough, because we're in America.

Bah bah, black sheep how you gettin by?
I'm working three damn jobs I'm working day and night.
These settlements are getting old and I can't live at home because my family hates my soul.
The reason why I cry is the reason why we're here in the land of the free

Then the black sheep said, now why do you hate on me?
There is no progress gained through animosity.
I'm working day in and out to support my family and you've got fifteen billion dollars but you're still mad that we're hungry.
The help won't come from them the so-called “upper one percent.”
That's “made in America.”
Track Name: Who ate Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert Grape got eaten again.
They found his body near a pond with a gun in his hand.
His note said:
“I never meant to hit the handicapped kid.
I always fell short in everything that I did.”

I guess I'll catch you on the flip side
and maybe then I'll have something to say with an actual point.
But until then I'm doing just fine.
I'll keep inflicting deep emotional wounds for personal Joy.
Rewind this tape that we call life
Set it back to when we were younger when we didn't have to fight
to satisfy our hunger or wish that we could last longer.
It's all pointless until you turn the lights down low.
Here we go again.
You said you lost a lot of memories with time buried deep inside the coffin of your mind.
We have a bright chance but you'll take it for granted.
Press rewind.
Track Name: New Balance
This one's a new one: a factory standard reset of my soul.
It's no surprise that the light in your eyes has faded and your fake spirit is getting old.
So what's your body count baby? How many people have you lied to in your bed?
This one's a new one and I only hope these words go to your head.

All of this tension and stress it pulls me under.
But you've resolved to sit there and watch me suffer.
All of what I feel will worsen.
You're a selfish, disrespectful person.
And I'm just trying to see the powerful side of me.

We have a bright chance but you'll take it for granted.
Maybe you'll find restitution at the bottom of the Susquehanna.

I really wish I wasn’t selfish.
I chose my feelings over theirs.
You chose your feelings over mine.

Don't dedicate it.
Every ounce of this body will end up as nothing while everyone has a party.
You seek to keep it but it's never an option.
Take your heart out of your pocket, put it up for adoption.

This one's an old one: I'm never gonna learn from my mistakes.
It's no surprise that the light in my eyes has faded and my old spirit is feeling fake.
So what's my body count baby?
How many people will I lie to by the day I'm dead?
This one's a new one and I only hope these words go to your head.
Track Name: Press the keys
Why do people gotta go and put dumb stupid shit on the internet
when this is all a big game and nothing matters at all?
But then what are you gonna do when you’re the one getting fucked in the end
And suddenly you're the one who's taking the fall, sayin it's not my fault?

I've been turning inside and out
while you've been running around.
I'll be painting the town
and give you lot’s of time and space to figure it out.

Here we go, shut it the fuck down
You paint yourself a new face all the time
You got to go spread it all over the town
Go clear your head and plant your dynamite, sayin it's not my fault?

I've been turning inside and out
while you've been running around.
I'll be painting the town
and give you lot’s of time and space to figure it out.

It’s my fault.
Track Name: Collection of Ghosts
Let’s praise the Lord today
because we’re young and we’re healthy.
We’ll figure out something to say.
Why not assign higher meaning to what we don’t understand?
Don’t you feel wonderful
that we’re all running in circles and none the wiser?
We think that we’re so special
but at the end of the day we’re only lawn fertilizer.

I wonder what it felt like to be an American
when it mattered the most:
collection of ghosts.
I wonder what it felt like to be an American
You can follow along,
I’m singing our song.

Let’s praise the Lord today
because we didn’t get shot up in a bar.
Is god a he, she, or they?
And if we’ll make into heaven,
bet we’ll make it pretty far
but I got a plan for myself.

I wonder what it felt like to be an American
when it mattered the most:
collection of ghosts.
I wonder what it felt like to be an American
I’ll be singing our song
Can you sing along?

I wonder what it felt like to be an American
when it mattered the most:
collection of ghosts.
I wonder because I feel
so goddamned
un-American.
Track Name: Aloof
You're coming home for Thanksgiving to see your family
To a table over-strown with fake cranberries.
You're coming home for Thanksgiving to see your dogs.
When I said I'm doing well, I lied
I'm not.
All I do is soothe myself.
You're coming home for Thanksgiving to see your friends
and there's things about their lives that you forgot.
You keep wondering how to justify your ends.
You're embarrassed as a child but that's exactly what you want.
All you do is soothe yourself.

You're coming home for Thanksgiving to see this valley
And you'll tell all of your friends what you despise
You'll sound so damn progressive when upon your home your flexin
But I wonder who will stare back when I look you in the eyes
All you do is lose your sense of home

You're coming home for Thanksgiving but not for me.
Track Name: Bastard
Knoebels under six feet of snow
Your silent beauty takes me back to summers years ago
I often wonder how much longer it will be
Before the roller coasters break down and return to trees
I close my eyes and see my younger self
I think I’m smiling but my memory fades and I can’t tell
These people only see a fun family day
But I see iron giants built by coal miners who were digging their own graves

If you really want to help me then you’d pull me off the stage
Stop my lungs from crying out
Help extinguish my rage
I can see myself stuck in these mountains calling out your name
I’ll throw my voice against the coal fields
I can fake it but I can’t feel
I’m so damn honest I am two-faced
I’m somebody you best not save

Knoebels I barely see your face
You deep seclusion in the mountains keeps my heart at bay
I often wonder how long it would take to die
If I jumped into the river and got sucked into the mines
I close my eyes and see a brighter day
I know I’m lying but I’m filling in the fucking blanks
I can’t fake it anymore than I can fake it
Anymore than you can fake it
Anymore than you keep pushing me away

If you really want to help me then you’d pull me off the stage
Stop my lungs from crying out
Help extinguish my rage
I can see myself stuck in these mountains calling out your name
I’ll throw my voice against the coal fields
I can fake it but I can’t feel
I’m so damn honest I am two-faced
I’m somebody you best not save
Track Name: Punchdrunk
The top of the barrel is whack
I’m holding out for the bottom this time
Why you gotta sell me all those lies?
Why you so sly?
I eat your pain
Swallow it whole
Chew on your brain
Choke on your bones
So many lifetimes worth of anandamide

I’ve been working real hard everyday to be the best person I can be
I’ve found there’s a simple way to live and it works just fine for me
Be less an officer
And more a leader
Be more a listener
And less a speaker
Track Name: Comparison
I have no filter
my mind has slipped away from being careful.
I have no presumptions of how the end is meant to be.
I had a head trip and I’ve paid for it a couple thousand times now.
I humbled myself down just in time to fail again
But that's me comparing

You can't say that you have seen me 5 years now I'm still conceiving nothing.
If we're being honest there is a lot I'm afraid to tell you
because you’d call me out and tell me that I'm out of line
But that's what I need now
I find myself weak and misunderstanding
I'm out of character but you have brought me back to life
I've been hiding all my feelings you've been calling every bluff
you told me that it is dumb to hold it back, you've had enough.

This is who I am now.
I've made mistakes and I have fixed them.
But it's not enough now I want to make adjustments you can see.
I appreciate you more than you are understanding.
But here I stand now.
I'll sleep upon your porch on River Street.
Track Name: Fake Brave
I wrote a love song for you but I threw it away
because I wanted it to reflect the words I would say
if my thoughts were organic like the leaves on your salad but they’re definitely not.

I wrote a love song for you but it was a mistake
because I'll never break through to your stubborn young brain
I used to know all the phrases I can use to sing your praises but I definitely forgot.

Sticks and stones are pointless instruments
but words my dear are weapons of war
I'd rather burn my guns and my bridges
then die in my uniform
I'm fake brave and you can't stay
Track Name: Suffer through the spring
That have stupid look on your face allows me to conclude
A petrified forest of doubt exists within you
I hear your voice through my window and it's painfully clear
I'll suffer through the spring like I do every year.

These odd colored walls that surround us make me choke deep inside
and I honestly pity myself as I turn out the light
We’ll wake and regret this whole night but one thing's for sure
We'll suffer through this together sprawled out on the floor
Track Name: Same boat, different paddle
No one ever told me when to stop when I had crossed the line
you said you're happier sober but then again I heard it through the vine
the kind of shit you tell yourself to make your parents feel alright
completely in your head they will hear the news tonight

No one ever told me how to act when I lost all my friends
maybe I lied to everyone
maybe I did
but there it is
I told the truth
I yearn to find out what I meant
but soon I’ll lie beneath this dirt
and I will never have the chance to see myself a better man
and figure out what life's about
but if there's wisdom after death
you've signed me up
I’m finding out.
Track Name: So often sidelined
I can see you so often sidelined
you can't seem to play
but that's how I feel most all of the time
step out of my way

Is it so hard to hear about your day
It's pointless anyway

Medicated
I'm losing my mind
I'm drinking like a pro
Somehow you think you're still spending the night
take your shit and leave
go

the lights are fading your eyes are getting low
I used to care but now I'm too far gone

forget about today
I'm not going anywhere
there's nothing left to say
you're not going anywhere
Track Name: This valley kills you slowly
If you're lucky enough to have some family not bursting at the seams
then you might stick around for a few years to see if this valley fits your dreams
I'll save you all your precious time I wish I never wasted mine
just sitting on the mountain looking out and wishing I can grow some wings

this valley kills you slowly there's no way that I can win
people drive around Wilkes-Barre just looking for someone to give a shit
cynicism is our language every conversation hurts
worst of all everyone I love is ending up in other states or beneath the dirt

if you're lucky enough to play your own music don't keep it to yourself
play it Loud to all these experts on how you should sing or yell
the potholes in the road have more character than the judges on the benches
this place is fine if you like water trickling out of rocks
dive bars and churches surrounded by fences

this valley kills you slowly there's no way that I can win
people drive around Wilkes-Barre just looking for someone to give a shit
cynicism is our language every conversation hurts
worst of all everyone I love is ending up in other states or beneath the dirt

I've told you all that I know all I'm not willing to justify
now all I feel is remorse but baby I'm not afraid to lie
I wonder what we're going to do when everybody moves and the music's gone
you'll wish you sang along
Track Name: For Sanity's Sake
I find myself again driving down to nanticoke
I'd rather feel soul crushing pain then never have to use this road
We're both learning how to live
And simultaneously coping with the fact we've never known love before now

I find myself again breaking bread with all my ghosts
Going in and out my head
Breaking down my earthly woes
And I'm feeling more and more that I have felt this all before
But that's a lie
You don't make any sense to me

I find myself at last laying down beside you now
Your oceanic eyes so somber I can't keep this to myself:
You're the reason I keep fighting
Up this hill without a sword
Bruised and broken like a rose’s thorn
For sanity's sake, kiss me when I'm torn